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I never felt like this before until I met someone. I feel like I'll be nothing without him. Even though I knew he'll never be mine, I keep loving him until now. He always make my day brighter, make me laugh and said the sweetest things. Although sometimes he make me cry or hurt myself, I still can't let him go. Every time I try to think of another guy, I always end up comparing that guy to him.


My friends told me for thousand times that I must leave him because once he hurt me and I looked like desperate people who waiting for her death. I really wanted to leave him but I'm sure I can't.


I don't know, this feeling became stronger until the day when I told him about my feeling and he ignored me. He said our religion is different, so he can't accept me. I'm so depressed, feel so ugly and unwanted.


I listened  to all his lies, bullshit and sweet talking, I trusted him, I gave him my all and he made me feel like he really liked me and then he left me just like it was nothing. So, I started to cry when I've realized that I'm alone and there's no place to run, it mean I have to face the reality.
All my activities ended with cry. I hate myself for that time. overthinking ruined me, turned things around and make things became worse. But I can blame no one for having this butterflies back.


Few days after my worst days, miracle was happened. He came back to my life and start to built new relationship as a brother-sister with me. But I felt awkward when I know I should ignore him like what he did to me, but I can't because when he came back, I felt my life is back too so I never cry again.


After what was happened, I don't know how to trust him again and I don't want to trust him for any reason, but my heart did the opposite thing. I trust and I fallin' love with him for second time. But we often fight. He broke my heart, broke it again, apologize, attempt to fix it. When it heals, break it again, I started depressed again and somehow, I still love him. I'm died inside. I brokenhearted and tired, tired of all the drama, tired of not being good enough, tired of life but I don't want to look dramatic, weak and attention seeker. So I tried to keep it all inside, act like everything's perfect but cries at night. So everybody thinks that I'm the happiest person they know. But sometimes it sucks being happy&strong. Because when people know that I'm strong, they think that it is okay to hurt me, over and over again.


Oh God, I never found myself like this before. I think we're stepped in a flat relationship. I tried to make a changes to waved this flatness. But I don't think that we walk to create it together, I feel alone. I forgot when did he say he miss me or maybe just text me goodnight. I have no idea when this all would be over. But one thing I know, I couldn't bear that I might lose him.


Overall, I don't regret my past, I just regret the time I've wasted with the wrong guy.